Why Do We Keep Having the Same Conflicts?Learning to Rebuild Safety in Our Relationship/Ian Tsai Intern Counseling Psychologist
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Ian Tsai Intern Counseling Psychologist
A Fictional Vignette to Begin |
A Familiar Cycle: Scene After Scene, as Everyday Safety Slowly Fades
Thursday night, the living room was filled only with the hum of the air conditioner. Jamie pushed his glass back onto the dining table and sent a message: "Do you want to have breakfast together tomorrow?" It was read, but no reply appeared. A few minutes later, he added: "If you’re busy or tired, that’s totally fine." When he put the phone down, so did his hope—at least, he tried.
On the other side, Casey was working late, revising a presentation. Her hand hovered over the keyboard, hesitating. In the past, slow replies often led to even more urgent follow-ups. Casey feared that saying "no" might make the atmosphere tense, so she told herself, "I’ll reply later." The meeting was the next morning, and two slides still needed finishing. The message never got sent.
By the evening, Casey asked, "What should we have for dinner?" Jamie replied, "Anything is fine." But one by one, the options were crossed out. In the end, they went home with microwaved meals. The TV laughter was too loud, the steam rising from the plates warm—but their hearts didn’t feel any closer.
Saturday morning, Jamie was hanging laundry and quietly mentioned, "I think the floor mat needs replacing," and "The sink is a bit dirty." Casey, already in the bathroom brushing up, muttered, "Later." The scrubbing sounded louder in Jamie’s ears than it actually was. When Casey finally came out and said, "Done," Jamie nodded. Reminders were heard as criticism, actions read as impatience; tasks completed, but the sense of being together hadn’t arrived.
At night, only the bedside lamp remained on. Jamie leaned over, his hand resting on Casey’s shoulder; Casey nodded, but her body didn’t move. The warmth in the bed rose slowly—Jamie pulled the blanket up, Casey pushed the phone away, each seeming to take a step back.
No one shouted. Only the everyday moments remained. Yet within those everyday moments, familiar scenes repeated, like a loop, repeatedly bringing two people who wanted to be close back to corners where they just brushed past each other.
Why do we keep arguing about the same things?
We might think we’re talking about "messages," "dinner," "housework," or "whether to be close." But beneath these surface topics, we’re actually exchanging deeper signals: Am I still important to you? Will I be judged? Can I just be myself?
The psychoanalyst Bion reminds us that "relationships are a form of mutual hypnosis." All the surface-level communication in daily life simultaneously carries hidden messages from the unconscious—like when Jamie sends, "Do you want to have breakfast together tomorrow?" the underlying message is, "Please include me in your day." When Casey replies late, the deeper layer is, "I’m afraid saying no might make the atmosphere tense."
The ways we protect ourselves often hit each other’s sensitive spots; and at times, being considerate or attentive can inadvertently create pressure. As a result, two people who clearly want to be close end up pulled by the same loop, returning to those all-too-familiar conflicts.
The Vicious Cycles in Intimate Communication
The familiar loop described above is actually a common vicious cycle in couple communication. We can visualize this cycle as an ∞ symbol (a horizontal figure eight), which makes it easier to understand (see illustration).
l A – Inner Desires: To be cared for, to be understood, to be able to be oneself, to make decisions together.
l B – Hurt Feelings: Feeling disappointed, afraid, cold-hearted, or worried about being rejected.
l C – Surface Defenses: Questioning, rejecting, lecturing, staying silent, procrastinating, withdrawing.
l D/E – Labeling Self or Partner: "You don’t care," "I’m a burden," "You’re difficult," "I’m terrible."
l F – Triggering Each Other: My defenses hit my partner’s vulnerable spots, and their reactions in turn accelerate my own defenses.
Story Illustration:
Messaging:
Jamie wants to be included in Casey’s day (A) → feels disappointed (B) → questions or gives up with "Never mind" (C) → triggers stress in Casey (F).
Casey wants to be understood that work is busy (A) and fears that saying no will disappoint Jamie (B) → delays replying (C) → this in turn triggers Jamie’s pain of feeling ignored (F).
During this process, Jamie may feel unimportant (D) and think Casey doesn’t. care (E). Casey may feel inadequate (D) and perceive Jamie as pressuring or demanding (E).
When facing recurring loops, we can first reduce them—not by simplifying the problem, but by gathering the many signals in front of us into a “present cycle.” Start by clearly observing the interpersonal interactions. Once the cycle is noticed and understood, you can return to sharing each person’s inner experiences (intrapersonal). This approach is more effective than trying to "fix personalities or fix the other person" from the outset, and it tends to be less frustrating and less harmful to the relationship.
After Noticing the Cycle, How Can We Practice Restoring a Sense of Safety?
Once the loop is drawn out, the focus is not on who’s right or wrong, but on slowing down the rhythm so feelings can catch up and safety can be restored. A sense of safety isn’t something that just appears—it’s something we practice and cultivate.
Next, we can use the practice of three kinds of strengths as our goal: first, stabilize yourself (Regulation); then open up to each other (Connection); and finally, make small differences (Influence). They are practiced in sequence as follows:
Regulation (the foundation of the three strengths, with four components)
a. Self-awareness – Where am I in A–F? What is my body saying? How do I feel?
b. Understanding the other – What is the person in front of me protecting?
c. Appropriate expression – State your own needs without labeling.
d. Allowing the other to express – Receive their comfort and support.
Connection (building everyday relational time)
Share your daily life with each other, schedule time together, and accumulate everyday experiences of being anticipated and remembered, which reinforce a sense of safety.
Influence (having autonomy and impact)
Believe that your voice matters and can improve the relationship. Dare to try actions or communication that are firm yet gentle.
We can imagine these three newly learned strengths as a film director, replaying the four initial story scenes (messaging, chores, dinner planning, bedtime routines) and thinking about how to practice applying them:
Regulation could be Casey adding in a message: "I feel that you want me, and I want you too. I’ll finish my work and call you later to discuss tomorrow’s schedule."
Connection could be Jamie expressing: "I want to do housework with you while we chat. Are you free to join me?"
Influence could be Casey saying: "I’ll suggest three dinner options; you can pick one," or Jamie saying: "Before bed, I’d really like a hug."
Of course, these are just examples—each couple’s rhythm and approach will be different. The practice of these three strengths to build safety doesn’t aim for perfection, but for small, doable actions that help slow down familiar loops and introduce subtle changes.
In the context of Taiwanese culture, many people, while cared for by their families (Influence) and spending a lot of time together (Connection), often deep down feel not truly understood (Regulation). If Regulation is not given enough attention, it can in turn affect Connection—leading to “never mind, I won’t say anything”—and Influence—leading to “I don’t believe speaking up will make a difference.”
In counseling, we start by practicing awareness of our own inner desires, then extend that understanding to the other person, and actively practice expressing ourselves authentically and consistently. Step by step, this helps to restore a sense of safety.
What Happens When You Bring Intimate Relationship Issues to Counseling?
You can think of the counseling space as a safe place to practice attentively. The process may look like this:
Settling and Grounding
Slow down together: What worries you the most right now? What do you most want to be understood about? Where in your body do you feel tension at this moment?
Mapping the “Present Cycle” (using the figure-eight loop)
Use language to make each point in the loop concrete:
A – My true desire is…
B – My current hurt feelings are… (e.g., disappointment, fear)
C – What I often do on the surface… (e.g., questioning, silence, withdrawing)
D/E – Labels I give myself / my partner…
F – How these behaviors hit each other’s sensitive spots, and how they get repeatedly triggered
Targeting Desires and Designing Small Differences
Practice the three strengths to restore safety:
Regulation: Pause briefly, scan your body, express your needs as “I-messages.”
Connection: Schedule predictable, intentional time together, turning “being remembered” into everyday experience.
Influence: Practice gentle yet clear actions (offering options, creating SOPs before or after conflicts).
Practice in Session, Apply in Daily Life
Role-play phrases and scenarios in the counseling session; bring small exercises into daily life; review next time whether the loop has slowed down, shortened, or new options have emerged.
Explore Early Family Experiences and Identify Inner Needs
Some current reactions are extensions of early relational patterns. Together we will:
Use a life chart to review important relationships and key events.
Identify common family interaction scripts/rules (e.g., “Don’t trouble others,” “Get things done quickly”).
Notice how you managed emotions in the past and what roles or expectations were assigned to you.
Map these insights onto your present A–F cycle, distinguishing “needs from the past” from “choices in the present.”
The goal is not to assign blame, but to expand options: understand why you react as you do in relationships, and gradually develop new ways to respond.
Closure and Takeaways
Organize effective strategies into your “relationship guidebook”: What triggers me, how I regulate, how I wish to be responded to, shared understandings.
Don’t aim to get it perfect all at once; focus on small, sustainable changes. When the cycle is noticed and the pace slows down, safety can gradually be restored, bit by bit.
Conclusion | Turning “Familiar Conflicts” into “Recognizable Patterns” and Gradually Restoring a Sense of Safety
The reason the same conflicts keep repeating isn’t that there’s not enough love, nor that one person is worse than the other. It’s that both partners are caught in unnoticed cycles together. When we identify the cycle, map it clearly, and slow down at key moments to feel and understand, those familiar patterns become recognizable.
Once they are recognizable, they can be chosen: you can choose to overcome anxiety and fear, choose to express your needs, choose to respond to each other, choose to pause before emotions take over. Restoring a sense of safety isn’t about uprooting old reactions, but about no longer letting them take the wheel, and returning the power to guide the relationship to yourself and your loved one.
If you are willing, you are welcome to come. Let’s observe how the relationship operates and nurture new abilities in daily life: starting from a meal, a message, a household task—moving the relationship in the direction you wish it to go.
References
Arthur C. Nielsen, A Roadmap for Couple Therapy: Integrating Systemic, Psychodynamic, and Behavioral Approaches
Sue Johnson, Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy with Individuals, Couples, and Families
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